A Brain Divided

Sometimes I am convinced that my brain is that of two separate people and has somehow been melded together and put into my skull.

On the one hand, I love where I am. I have a good job doing things that I love with people that I thoroughly enjoy for a university that I wholeheartedly support. I have a man who loves me. I have a degree that excites me and a future that is entirely open to endless possibilities.

On the other hand, I wish that I had a career in a sky scraper for a high profile magazine and a fortune-500 company. I wish that my degree was practical and that I was a brilliant business woman who had an office with a view of a major city. I wish that I owned multiple tailored suits and heels that weren’t from Target and had a briefcase that cost me way too much and lived in an apartment that was furnished out of an Anthropologie Ad.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. But sometimes I wonder if there is untapped potential in the dreams I left unpursued. I’ve always had a love for the country life, a little house with a warm hearth, a few kids and a dog, maybe a book or two under my belt. But I’ve always always felt like a life in the city with designer heels and a savy business plan were just a few inches out of my grasp.

So where do I go with the dreams left untouched? How do I feel entirely fulfilled when half of my desires are left to never be explored? I think ultimately my desire is to a woman of consequence. I want to have a net of influence that stretches far beyond where I ever imagined it would go. I wish I were brilliant. I’m almost positive the reason that these dreams don’t get pursued is because I realize the amount of work that I would have to do to realize them, and in the end I am lazy. I wish my brilliance were involuntary; I wish it came like breathing.

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