So here’s my deal: I know I have issues. I know that I have self doubt issues, low self esteem, psychological problems, and the list could go on. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I can get through the day without thinking about any one of these issues. I can’t tell you the origin of all of them, or how I might be able to solve them. Sometimes, new ones surface and I’m thrown off and unable to deal with it. I do my best to take them as they come.
Today’s issue: the issue of belonging.
Now, this issue in particular I feel on a regular basis. I can go a lot of places and never feel like I belong there. I can feel lonely in a room full of people. I can cry and want company but never be able to think of a person that I want to run to. There is something about certain places that I feel more comfortable than others, and some of those places I’m afraid that I will eventually have to give up. Home (wherever it may be) is never a place that I enjoy being for long periods of time. It seems that I always want to get away, to a place that I’m not even sure exists. I feel these things almost on a daily basis; somedays they’re harder to deal with than others.
Today, I am in one of those places that eventually I won’t be able to come anymore and I’ll lose yet another place that I feel decent comfort and peace. And jokingly, a friend said upon the joking topic of my many problems (though not a serious topic in that moment at all), that my being here yet again was a problem, and then flat out, “you have belonging issues.”
I know that shouldn’t shock me. I know I do, but I think the idea of putting words to it and actually speaking it into the universe did me over. You’re right. I do have belonging issues. And, not to attempt to bring up another of my issues, but the fact that this friend is male definitely didn’t help the smack in the face that this comment ended up being.
I know he didn’t mean it rudely. I know he doesn’t know that it effected me as much as it did. He’s a good guy. But really, now as I sit here, the only thing I’m thinking is, “maybe I should stop coming here. maybe they’re tired of me. maybe this it’s that time that I give this place up.” On the other hand, this is the only place I have right now that lets me escape, where I find company amidst the escape from the insanity that is outside of these doors. That sounds pathetic. I’m a mess.
I have belonging issues.
A bit ironic really is that in chapel today was about how we view ourselves, and how that view should never stray from that we are precious children of God. I sat alone in chapel this morning, where my friends normally surround me, thinking, “I really do have CRAPPY self image.” I realized that I need to re-align who I think myself to be. I need to be confident in who I am, because God thinks the world of me; that I am a precious child of God. But while the idea that I can figure that out and start living like that is how I view myself is wonderful, I really don’t feel like its true. I KNOW that it’s true, but I sure don’t feel it in my heart. That makes me sad; it hurts.
All I want is a place that I will never have to let go of, where I can find peace, escape, and company, love and comfort, joy and laughter. I over compensate trying to find that place somewhere in my life. I don’t know if its even possible in this life or if maybe that’s just something that God fulfills in the world to come. I feel like its feasible here, it must be.
So for now, I have belonging issues.