The turning point

Today it smacked me in the face…it didn’t hold back one bit. I went to get a mani/pedi with Abby…and our way back I realized that this is my last semester to have her around in this capacity. I know that she will be in my life for years to come, but this is it. This is the last time that I will have her living with me, going to school with me, around everyday. This is my last semester with Karl, with Austin, with Callan, with Blair, with Nate, with so many people. Life as I know it is all about to change; thrown into the wind and blown in a hundred different directions to be assembled in a shape that I can’t recognize.

Last night was my last night at Starbucks after three and almost a half years of doing the same job. It was the place where I felt at home; the place I felt safe. It was where I was proud of myself, of the skill that I had perfected and made it an art. It was where I connected with people, where I served. It was a second home, my third place. It was where I made people’s days and brought smiles to people and they brought smiles to me. It was where I learned how to be an extrovert and a people person. It was where I learned to like sushi. It was where I perfected the art of multitasking. It was where I made good friends. It was my first job. It has been my only job. It was where I learned responsibility and how to count change. It treated me well and as much as some days it was hell to be there, I loved my job through and through. And last night was my last night. That chapter of my life came to a close and I am mourning it.

This week is my last week at cornerstone for eight months; with the exception of one or two days in January. It is my last week with my girls on Tuesday night. Especially if I get the RA position, I won’t be going back to that. I don’t get the joy of seeing them grow and helping them learn. I won’t be able to laugh at their ridiculousness on a twice weekly basis. I will get replaced. It will be a different interaction with the volunteer staff. At Catalyst tonight I walked in and realized that I came by myself and it wasn’t a problem. I knew that when I got there that there would be people for me to sit with and friends for me to talk to. I had no cared whether or not I sat alone anyway. Cornerstone has become my home. I know the ins and the outs. I love the people there, they know me. I know that I fit in, in whatever context it is. And I am leaving that home that I have finally received for eight months to come back when I know that it will be drastically different than it is now. That chapter of my life might be different when I return…and I am struggling with that.

While I will be coming back to APU, it is going to be such a different world without Abby, without Karl, without so many people who have been such a giant part of my life. I cannot even picture life at APU without them now that I have had them for so long. I don’t know what that looks like. After Thursday I am no long a student at APU until next fall. I will no longer live in the US after January…until the following June. I don’t know what to do with that. I am a nervous wreck; a disaster. I am worried to death. I am stressed beyond all belief about finals. I am ready to be done with this week, but I don’t want to rush it because it is my last for so many reasons. My heart is breaking with every word that I write and with every thought that crosses through my mind. I have no direction at the moment and yet I am trying to cling to every fleeting moment because I fear that it will never be the same, and I will miss it for the rest of my life. The need for tears right now is impeccable. The need for comfort runs deep. There isn’t, however, a single soul that could bring the peace that I need. God bring your comfort. Bring your peace. Bring your plans and your rest on me because I have no idea what I am doing and I am a mess.

I am here in my journey…and a turning point….I am looking back to where I have been and looking around to see where I am…I cannot see the road that is in front of me and it scares the hell out of me. I like where I am and it hurts me to turn down the road on which I am about to journey…I am grieving the fact that I have taken that step away from the things that I know….but here goes nothing.


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