ο Θεος μου σωζει την ψυχην
I feel the need to write something profound. I feel the need to express through words the longing of my soul for something that I cannot begin to put words to. I know that it is almost the norm in this culture to say that my longing is for God. This is true. I do long for Him; His presence, His comfort, His love. But instead it seems that there is more tugging on the strings of my heart than just the call to God. I know that to belong to Him should be all that I need and all that my life should revolve around, but why then do I have these desires that make my heart wrench? I feel like this is all that I write about, the fact that there is lack of love in my life, that I am alone and unsatisfied. I don’t ever write about the joys of the things that are occurring on a daily basis, it is only of the sad, desperate cry for affection that you hear. I have to many things that I wish I could find in a man that it seems almost hopeless that one would exist that would go perfectly. I know that there is no such thing as perfect, but I’ll just assuming that we know what I mean. The second that I find one that I like, it seems that he is going to be out of my life, gone within seconds. I enjoy him for what seems a millisecond and then that time has passed and a new phase of life has begun. I understand that God has His timing and that I cannot understand it, but yet I yearn to. This is my flesh attempting to tell me that I can control everything; my spirit wrestles with my flesh constantly to overcome my sense of needing to control things. And now I ramble aimlessly trying to come to a conclusion as to what I’m even feeling. The guys that I can see myself actually being with, not just thinking are cute and moving on, have girlfriends, or I have no chance with. I understand that my image of myself might not be the best thing in the world, but serious, why choose me when they can have a much better girl in a heartbeat. This particular one breaks my heart a little bit. The amount of vision and potential that I see in him blows my mind. I have never met someone my age with as much purpose and goal in his life. He is actively pursing God and His kingdom. The vision that he has makes my heart a little bit fuller just listening to him talk about it. I’m not sure what God has called me to and I don’t know whether or not our callings could even interact, but the fact that he even chooses God to reign in his life makes me smile. Laughs. Smiles. Jokes. Ridiculousness. Community. Joy. God. The things that should exist and do exists. How is it that I find someone that would be worth my waiting and my pursuit of a relationship when a relationship is the last thing that I could get into right now? How is it that something that I would actually consider a possibility arises at a time in both of our lives when that isn’t an option. I have no idea how he feels. I have no idea his opinion, but still…this is my side of the story. I suppose this is where I rest on Qohelet’s words, “for everything there is a season.” and realize that this is a season that I will not be able to have that type of relationship. Then I am left sitting, wondering, what is the purpose of this relationship in my life? Maybe to exemplify what it is that is actually feasible in a man? But my question then turns to, “why not this one Lord?” I understand it is in your timing, but my heart years for it. My desires to love and be loved. I know you fulfill that, but to live that is so difficult. It is hard to say with my mouth that I know that I must first learn to love and be loved by you before I can do so with a man, but it is another thing to live it. God give me that strength. I feel as though it is through selfish ambition that I wish for the strength to do so, but I know I need it. You are YHWH, Lord of host, King of Israel, and I am but flesh…..reign in me, let me die to myself, bring glory to Your kingdom. We pray that Your kingdom come here as it is in Heaven, not later, but now Lord. Bring us your peace, and your comfort, your wisdom, and your love. You are King of Israel, Lord of Heaven and Earth, Holy, Sovereign, YHWH.