direction is …..missing?

ever have those days that you just feel like you’ve lost all direction and you really have no idea where you’re going or what you’re doing? While there might be hope, it just seems like the world isn’t moving and nothing is getting accomplished and then there is just no….positivity (for lack of better word). I have such elaborate dreams, but sometimes I feel like they’re never actually going to get accomplished. Maybe they won’t get accomplished because of how over the top they are, or maybe it’s because my motivation is below sea level. I don’t know. Its funny because I guess most blogs that I see are based on a different topic each time and the writer’s opinion of the said topic and mine is more just the thoughts that are running through my head. It is kind of weird that people might actually read them. I should, on that point, probably revert to my old way of writing blogs, less in the form of a diary entry, and more toward the style of an address. so let’s take two

Welcome back to the journey that is my life.  This time around I find myself sitting here and contemplating what exactly it is that I am doing. I am home, for the next four months, away from the place that I called home for over  year, away from the people who have kept me company, and away from the girls who I have watched grow for the past school year. I find that I don’t know how to live at home and still be an adult. I don’t know how to manage the person that I have become being away from home while living amidst my past life that confronts my every move while here in a place I once called home. I feel almost like I am back in high school, which is not necessarily the best of feelings considering I have come such a long way since then. I love living in vegas. I love the thought of being here and having my grandparents within reach at all times, but I do not, however, seem to like living at home. I feel like I’m almost in a glorified hotel in that my grandma cleans up after me constantly, makes me food on a single wish of something and whatever i could possibly ask. This sounds all nice and lovely, but the problem becomes that I have tried so hard in the past two years at school to get over not having that. I had to grow up, because I never did in high school because everything was handed to me, I am spoiled and in a lot of ways don’t know how to function on my own, so moving out was a big part of that. And i like who I am not in this house. Being back home almost makes me revert to my old ways, which is not where I want to be. I want to be me. I do not want to be the old version of me, but being here impresses all of that on me and brings up all of those old memories. I find that I can hold on to who i’ve become and what i’ve learned through music and picturing all that I’ve done and learned over the time i’ve been away from home. Though it was almost two years that I was at school, coming back makes it seem like i’ve never left vegas, except now no one is here except me. I miss my volunteer staff friends and my school friends. I miss having my home. My place. Where it is not their stuff but mine. Yea sure i enjoy the luxury of having tivo and actual TV and fast internet and a piano and a garage, but its not the same as being on my own. Here I am not necessarily treated like the adult i’ve come to be. Yes i still have a lot of growing up and maturing to do, and yes they’ve gotten a lot better at letting me be independent, but still i almost feel oppressed. That’s a harsh word, but i just have no idea. 

Loud music is my therapy. I am going to go drive. and listen to my music as loud as my speakers can handle, well without sounding like crap. This was all a bit off the topic that I had originally planned to share with you, but nonetheless here we are. So now you know my feelings of being at home, maybe another day i will share with you a chip off of the iceberg that is my dreams. Until we meet again…


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