it’s late

I’m up late and its hot in my room. I’m tired and I should be sleeping. I’ve done nothing all day but watch bones and hang out with old ladies and paint ceramics. While those things may be fun, I didn’t leave the house. Talking to some of my friends over the past few months have made me realize how much i truly want to leave the country. They all studied abroad this semester, south africa, europe, australia, ireland…the world. I’m jealous. I held down the fort in the middle of an old worn down city in southern california. And now i sit indoors at the beginning of a summer that will consist of more school and hopefully a job. I know its really up to me to decide to take initiative and go places, but I dunno, I almost feel pressured by family to stay here and just do school, traveling is for later days. But is it? Isn’t this the time when I am supposed to be crazy and travel and do things? Maybe its just the media that has me brainwashed to believe that the college years are the years where people go AWOL and just leave the country for a month or so and go homeless through europe or something. My grandma would never have that. I would have to call on a daily basis. I wouldn’t be able to survive that. I feel like i secretly live on a leash, but its just invisible. I know that my grandparents pay for everything, so its not like I’m complaining. But I guess that that just means I don’t have the freedom to go and do as i like because i dont have the finances to support myself to do anything other than what they believe is best for me. I mean, lets face it, my starbucks job doesnt really pay for much other than a phone bill, a gym membership, and my gas; let alone if i don’t get the job this summer. I feel like most of the time when i end up blogging it comes to relationships, that probably results in the fact that a) i dont have one b) its when im most emotional and have the most inspiration to write c) i have no other way of even beginning to emote. I’ve always heard that guys are more attracted to women with high self-esteem. Not something in which i rate very highly. If i did would it be easier to find me a guy? We could go into a very deep rabbit whole at this point. I have lots of things to say on this topic, but being that it is late i am not sure I am committed enough to divulge such a huge topic. I’m going out to lunch with a friend tomorrow. He’s picking me up, he’s paying, it’s a surprise. It might as well be a date right? I suppose that when it comes down to it, I’m generally afraid of dates. What if i end up not liking them when they like me and i have to confront it? what if i do something wrong? what if they think its a date and i dont? I don’t know what i really want it to look like, but in the end i suppose i don’t really know anything….or at least in that general direction of thought. And now i’m just rambling. i need to sleep. i had a good conversation with someone tonight. sad they’re leaving soon. maybe when they return….chances are slim…I mean….its me….and positivity is in my top five strengths…irony i think.

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