Humanity

“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.” – Gandhi

 

For the longest time i’ve felt almost inhuman. I feel like i barely feel things anymore. I’m almost not even sure what it is to feel real things. I find myself laughing at things that i know are supposed to be funny, and sometimes they are, but i almost feel as if i am forcing it sometimes. I smile and nod, i laugh, i “aw” in all the right places. I used to be so good at relating to people, being their comfort, the one they turn to because i get it. No matter what the situation i seemed to be able to sort through it with them and help them see a good way to deal with it. I was able to help them solve problems. I was able to genuinely enjoy things and etcetera. I was able to cry on a regular basis and deal with my own emotion. Somewhere along the way it seems to have gotten lost. I’m not sure where it went either. I remember when Megan used to call me for advice and when she was done she felt better, we had sorted through things. I always listened, I always had some type of solution, some type of help. I cried in front of people. I used to like to be touched when i was sad. I sit here and try to remember when all those things seemed to filter out and I can’t quite seem to pin point it to one event or time in my life. I guess the last time that i really remember being able to feel those things and fix things was before i moved to Vegas. Maybe it was because that’s when megan needed me less because i was there, and she was okay more? I don’t even know if that is fully true. Maybe i shut down after i left my long term home and my parents? Maybe it was after the Chris thing; the first time around. Maybe I subconsciously decided to shut down and not feel things so I wouldn’t get hurt and so no one would know how ridiculous things actually were in my life. But really i’m open, i’ll share things, or at least i used to before i figured out it probably wasn’t always the best idea. But seriously? A loss of humanity? I really do feel like I am incapable of really and truly feelings things. When i cry i just feel like its tears pouring down my face and i hurt somewhere but I’m not sure what kind of pain it is or why I am crying. My heart hearts as it yearns for things, people, but that is as far as it goes. I just don’t quite understand. What happened to they times when i was good at relating to people, even the ones who were so vastly different from me? Where did all of those emotions go? Why did i just seem to stop caring? My humanity is in question then i suppose. My faith in God has never been more challenged than it has been this semester, which has had its ups and downs. I don’t know how to answer some questions that are still lingering and even more so I feel that I have to breeze right by some of the issues that are raised because I have no other option or way to answer them.  To be able to know that i actually related to someone who i normally can’t was somewhat of a rush back of everything that i used to be able to do, that somehow got lost. How am i supposed to help anyone if i can’t even fully feel  anything myself? Is there something wrong with me? Would seeing someone help? What triggered this ridiculousness that makes me question if i am even capable of human emotions any longer? I am not saying that i don’t experience happy and sad, and upset and tired and the like, but i just feel like sometimes its just me going through the motions. I laugh sometimes and it feels so good and i get a glimpse of a feeling that makes me so light hearted and full of joy that it makes me realize that a lot of my other laughter isn’t that genuine. Nate said something to me today out of the blue, and it was really random, “always have something that will provide you a break from reality..” there was more to it, but i can’t remember it all at the moment. And i asked him where that came from and he just said his head and that it was just a nugget of wisdom for me. I feel like there is something in that God wanted me to hear. I’m not sure what it is, or what He could be trying to tell me, but we’ll see what it may be the more i think about it. I hope it makes sense. I know that that that was a bit random and completely aside from the topic of humanity, but it came to mind. That’s all i have for now.

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